A female CEO of a company twittered that she was having a miscarriage during a board meeting. I am a man who thinks nothing is sacred but many thought that this went too far and… well… that nothing is sacred. So be it. What do we do about it? Simple. We create offshoots of Twitter to accommodate all occurrences. Yes, even miscarriages. Think of Twitter as the country and the following as states (of being?) within said country. Don’t expect 50.
The first state is Shitter and is for the announcement of bodily functions (even miscarriages). Here you can boast of notable bowel movements (of unusual weight, shape, or size), urination lasting for more than one minute and five seconds and anything else that has been known to leak or propel itself out of the body. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is, yes. Vomiting is included. As well as menstruation. But let’s not get mesmerized by volume, weight, and duration. Don’t forget color. If something is normally a certain color or hue and comes out totally off color, you’ll need an outlet for sharing this news. Say your urine is normally a boring pale yellow but one day welcomes you with a day-brightening lime green Gatorade color, you’ll need to share this with the world and post it on Shitter. Mind you, when it clears up, no one cares about that. This is only for if you continue to piss a plutonium based discharge.
Shitter also encompasses other aspects of humanity. Other things more than suitable to be listed on Shitter are: any information regarding a reality TV show, any information concerning Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, news of a United States financial institution, anything Barrack Obama says (or does). Speaking of Barry we might as well include anything that hyena Oprah Winfrey says, and last but not least something like hot tips about Jennifer Aniston, and the co star she’s doing from her latest film. Unless of course it’s a female co star, then it should be listed on Twatter and not Shitter. IF she doesn’t “go all the way” with a woman, then it’s listed on just Titter and not Twatter.
The other states and examples of the information they should contain are as follows (in no particular order):
Bitter: An outlet for the gay community, women’s movements (but not bowel), Democrats, any of my ex-girlfriends, fans of the hit show The View and cast members of said hit show.
Bit ‘er: If you have a woman into rough sex or you are a woman into rough sex.
Critter: Pest control, small penises, scary looking children.
Clitter: for women who have an unusually large erogenous zone at the top of the vagina. Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that you think it’s bigger than more or a little plump. I’m saying that if it looks like she has a pink baby carrot between her legs, we’ll need to know and on Clitter is where we’ll look.
Did ‘er: a place to list the names of all the girls you’ve banged and for West Virginian males to chat about their sisters, daughters, and mothers. Also, for Bill Clinton to list information on his current roomy Jewish intern.
Fitter: Anyone who weighs less than Kirstie Alley. 93% percent of NFL players qualify to use this service.
Flitter: a site for gay men.
Git ‘er: for West Virginian males with stubborn sisters, daughters, and mothers.
Hitter: The Violent Sports Talk Network. Messages posted about soccer are punishable by death.
Itter: Here is a place for the linguistically challenged who cannot properly pronounce a B through Z plus the –itter.
Jitter: for guys who think they cum an exorbitant amount.
Kid ‘er: a place to list diplomatic responses to questions she asks like: Do I look fat in this dress? Is my sister hotter than me? If you weren’t dating me would you do my friends?
Litter: Information on people we should throw away. Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Kanye West, Chris Brown, Jon and Kate from “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”… in fact we could probably get rid of three of those kids and no one would care. Then they’ll probably launch the new hit show “And Then There Were Five” so the dipshits who watched the original show would have something to look forward to. With that in mind, let’s throw the eight out as well.
Mit ‘er: a place for guys in the South to state where they hooked up with their current significant other: “I mit ‘er at the Chuck and Puke on Route 11.”
Nitter: for those whose balls are made of yarn.
Pitter: birth announcements, as in pitter patter (of little feet).
Quitter: for the pussies who stopped drinking and/or smoking because their doctors told them it was no good for them and/or their wives or husbands wanted them to stop.
Sitter: a place for guys to share fantasies about the college girl who watches their kids. If a woman has such fantasies, please use Twatter.
Spitter: Now, one might think that those who choose NOT to finish a certain job (hint: the wind does this) would be listed in Quitter. But I don’t think so. The job IS complete but the doer of the action (aka the subject of the sentence) chooses to hock out the creamy prize like it’s a loogie during flu season.
Don’t confuse this with those women who complain: “I’m not putting that in my mouth. You PEE from it!” Yes, sue me. I pee from it. But you pee from your lovely little pink Venus Fly Trap too but yet I still find the courage to lick it like the wallpaper at Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory. Don’t I? Yes. I’m asking you to sing karaoke with a flesh microphone and you’re asking me to stick my face into a large piping hot pepperoni pizza. But don’t get me started on this.
Vitter: the Arnold Schwarzenegger “Fitter” board
Yidder: Jews only. Which is to say everyone who works in the entertainment and or publishing industry… you’re free to post here.
Zitter: self explanatory, for those with a bad complexion and also the Arnold Schwarzenegger “Sitter” board.
Racist: for all white people. No buts and no excuses. If you are white, you’re guilty as charged. You’re a racist. Get used to it.