Posts Tagged kids

Why I Don’t Have Kids

I’ve compiled a list of reasons why we don’t have kids. Here they are:

  1. Kids are money-leeching, whiny little germ factories. Ask any parent.
  2. So I can keep having sex, smoking cigars, drinking, and swearing. I am sure my life will be shorter, but alas, I will fortunately miss out on those miserable last 10 or so years of life where every bathroom visit starts with, “Ohhh, it hurts to pee”.
  3. We love sleeping in on the weekends, or sleeping in, in general. Enough said.
  4. Money. Cruise last year? Paid for in cash. Trip to Europe this year? Cash. Monthly supply of booze and cigars? Cash.
  5. For the Environment. Lifetime energy use per American over is 20,000 kJ. I have no fucking idea how much that is, but I’m sure it’s a lot. The average American will use 32 gallons of water a day, 5 pounds of food per day, and 1,025 gallons of oil per year (sources available on request). This means I can still do good for the environment all while buying an SUV and selling baby seal pelts out of the back seat.
  6. So I can keep gaming. Still looking for a good MMO that isn’t just like every other damn MMO ever made.
  7. So I am not tempted to put my kid on the phone. Parents, please don’t have your kids answer the god damn phone. Although you understand them just fine, and I’m sure they’re making progress with their language acquisition, no one else understands what the fuck they are saying at age 4, nor does anyone else care. Even worse is when you tell them what to say because you think it’s cute. Besides, I called to talk to you, not to that drunken midget of yours you call a child.
  8. We don’t have to be the people who bring the crying kid on the plane. I am a firm supporter of child sedation for travel, by the way.
  9. Because we like to have nice things. Cigar Humidor? Spotless. And, have you ever taken a look at the inside of a parent’s car? I cringe at the thought.
  10. So I don’t have to teach them “responsibility”, or whatever.
  11. Not needing to have a gun collection to show off to my daughter’s potential dates. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.

I’d like to hear if anyone else has good reasons why they don’t have kids. Put them in the comments below.

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The Cheese Touch

Last night at dinner my boys, aged 7 and 9, started doing something called “The Cheese Touch”. With fingers crossed, they would poke each other in the chest or shoulder and say “CHEESE TOUCH” and then laugh uncontrollably. Then the other one would do the same thing back and the process would repeat itself. Being the typical un-hip, out of touch Dad that I am, I inquired as to what the hell was going on. They informed me that if you get hit with the cheese touch, you immediately smell like stinky feet cheese and will continue to do so until you pass the cheese along to another person. The only way to block the cheese touch is to resort to the usual, “UH UH, my fingers were crossed” defense, thus nullifying the odoriferous attack. Interesting. I was forced to improvise other ways to defend myself and since I was half in the bag on cheap chardonnay at the time, I came up with “Wine Thumbs”, whereas a new counter attack could be unleashed by touching the attacker on the head with both thumbs. The boys were stunned and didn’t know how to counter the deadly, dizziness inducing, and newly invented counter-offensive. I then completely breached protocol and hit the two of them with “Cracker Elbows”. Yep, Cracker Elbows. This is where I would touch both of my elbows simultaneously to their temples and they would be immediately rendered immobile. At least that was my plan. The older one looked at the younger one and together they reaffirmed that dad was a bozo and resumed their fun without me. This silly game eventually evolved into what they called a “sissy fight” where they would slap each other and then into a full out, good-natured brawl on the kitchen floor. Eventually they returned to the table and finished dinner but not before a vein stood out in my forehead and I had a moment to think back to some childhood silliness that I engaged in.

Cooties – I remember running from girls on the playground because they had cooties. Although I felt justified at the time, I realize now that what they had was not called “COOTIES” but “COOTERS” and that I want to get them ALL THE TIME.  If only I had known.

Kill the man with the ball – This was also known as “Smear the Queer” and probably the dumbest game ever invented. The guy holding the ball gets the shit kicked out of him until he drops the ball or begins to spit blood. My friends and I would play almost daily in the summer on my front lawn and it was in one of these scrums that my buddy got his nickname, Johnny Whimper.

Blind Darts – We would lay a dartboard on the floor and stand at the bottom of the stairs and blindly toss darts up the stairs and try to hit the dart board. What makes this more stupid was that we positioned the board in such a way that you couldn’t see it from the bottom of the stairs and only the thrower was at the bottom. Everyone else stood around the board. Brilliant, huh?

Red Light / Green Light – I once ended up in the ER after a fast and furious game getting stitches in my chin. That’s right, the fat kid tripped running up the porch and cracked his face on the top step. Go ahead and laugh, I’m used to it.

Can’t wait to head home and see what the kids have in store for me tonight. Maybe it will be “chase your little sister with a booger” or my personal fave, “shit, close the lid and don’t flush”. Late!

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They Grow Up So Fast

fingerI have two children. My daughter is seven and my son is four. I have the “rich man’s family” but I am still waiting in earnest for that rich part to happen. They bleed me dry, I tell you. From an unbiased opinion, they are smart, beautiful and funny children. This opinion has been verified and seconded by my wife, so it is true. She and I do whatever we can to teach and nurture them so they grow to become the best children and, ultimately, adults they can be.

We give them more choices than most children have, reinforce right from wrong, encourage creative thinking, feed curiosities and laugh at the funny stuff as much as we can. As any parent knows, there is the balancing act along any of these. Case in point, as we all know, bodily functions are funny, no matter the age. Despite the burps, farts, nose-picking and crotch grabbing by a four year old being hysterical to us, we walk across that tightrope and try not to show them our laughing… mainly so he won’t be “That Kid.” You know that kid. He’s the one who farts in the restaurant, picks his nose on stage, burps when it’s his turn to read to the class, or grabs his junk for a tender family photo. If it happens, it happens. On that rare instance, it’ll be a source of high-level amusement years from now. Maybe even when he brings a girlfriend over.

So all of this background leads up to something my son did this past week. It was Saturday, a wondrous day off from work, full of yard work and horsing around. It was a break time and I was sitting at the kitchen table eating a sandwich. My daughter was with me eating, whatever it is she actually does eat, my wife was checking email and my son was chilling on the couch watching something Disney. Basically a time of relaxation and reflection for a little while.

My son gets off the couch, walks in the kitchen, stands next to me, and nonchalantly sticks his index finger to my nose and yells out, “Smell my finger!”

Without thinking, I did. His finger smelled like ass.

Before I could recoil, yell out or instinctively fire out my fist at the offender (I wouldn’t hit my kids, but I’m talking this is instict here, people), he turned on his heel and walked back into the living room. My jaw hung slack, and as he walked, his finger went to his nose, and I swore I saw a smile on his face.

I sat there staring at him realizing many things in a very short amount of time:

  1. He caught me completely off guard, and as such I can never trust him again
  2. I had absolutely nothing at all to say to him
  3. His smile was definitely one of malicious amusement
  4. My son gave me the stink finger, which I had managed to evade my entire life up until that moment
  5. I was appalled at what just happened
  6. I was a very, very proud Father

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From the Mouths of Babes

If you’ve read my bio, you’ll know that I have 5 kids. No, I’m not Mormon or an orthodox Jew. Yes, I know what causes that to happen. My wife just wanted a big family and it’s not my fault that she digs my flava. Don’t be hatin’. I will admit that it’s a bit foreign to me, being an only child and all. I was really concerned for my father, also an only child, when we told him that we were going to have our second. The look on his face told me that he thought we were completely insane and I’m not so sure that he was wrong. Anyone know a good doc to give a vasectomy? A bad one? I don’t care at this point. Maybe a hooker with a heart of gold who would be willing to kick me in the peaches? I digress.

It seems that almost every day, one of my kids says something that makes my wife and I laugh out loud. They are so cute, and saying something completely innocent, but it will cause us to have to leave the room. I thought I’d share a few.

“YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?!”
Said by a 4 year old to me while he was misbehaving at Target. Couldn’t discipline him after that one. The wife and I laughed for an hour.

“Mommy, your milkers are showing”
Stated very loudly by my oldest, then age 3, while he was in a dressing room with the wife as she was trying on bathing suits in the Motherhood store in the mall.  The wife could hear people chuckling outside the door. Side note, I love those milkers.

“LOOK OUT!! HERE COMES BIG MOMMY”
Exclaimed by my son as my wife, very pregnant with twins, hobbled through the room. I lost it. Big Mommy was trying to hit me for laughing so hard but I ran into our laundry room and she got stuck in the doorway. I distracted her with some Godiva chocolate and was able to escape with my testicles intact.

“I really have to work on my tan if I’m going to be the next Tiger Woods”
Statement by my 9 y/o when deciding his future. Laughed out loud on this one.

“Dad, can you get me a notebook, so I can write things down and have a little diarrhea?”
I almost spit my coffee all over the dash.

“What are those little beans in there?”
4 y/o son made a great discovery in the tub one day. Hasn’t taken his hand off of that area since. It’s like he’s pulling taffy.

“Peepee too pointy”
During a diaper change, Daddy was proud. Wonder what was on the TV for that to happen?

“Oh, HORSE LIPS!!”
From a very frustrated little boy

“Dad’s just upset because of that thing that’s bullshit”
My 9 y/o said that to me this past Sunday. Wife was not amused. I was extremely amused

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play…
“pea nickels on my spout”

“Mommy, when will I get push ups like you have”
My oldest daughter checking out my wife’s fun bags. Hopefully she never will. I shudder to think of all the ogling dirtbags like me.

“If dad was in Star Wars, he would be Boba Fatt”
Funny. If he was in Star Wars, he would be Luke Nosepicker.

“Dad, I crapped my pants”
Self explanatory. I already knew because I saw the turd fall from his pant leg. We’re not welcome at that Wendy’s anymore.

“It’s all crap!”
Frustrated 5 year old boy because I told him to do his homework.

“I’m not new to this, I’m true to this.”
From my 4 y/o daughter last week while being praised for helping Mommy.

There are others but I can’t seem to remember any of them right now. Too many whip-its killed too many brain cells. Please post some of your own!!

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