Posts Tagged Jersey Shore

Reality TV Quick Reviews

Reality TV.  Mention that term just a few years ago, and people would stare at you like you just asked, “Does the Pope shit in the woods?”  But now, everyone knows about what that means.  One of the most mis-labeled monikers ever to make it onto TV.  Never mind, that was an idiotic statement on my part… this is television after all. It’s all idiotic.

So Producers have been falling all over themselves to make more of these shows for a number of reasons, namely they are cheap to produce, and there are millions of zombies that can’t get enough of them.  I’m lucky enough to have an amazing wife that eats this shit up.  Sometimes the worse it is, the better the show.

Personally, I hate them… all of them.  But to spend time with my wife, I occasionally sit through one.  Here is my take on just a few of these gems that are out there.  Most I have seen no more than once, but seriously, do you need to sit through any more than one to get the gist?

These are in no particular order.

The Real World – The Mac Daddy of reality TV… the one that started it all.  I think they’ve had 73 iterations of this one since, all with the same result: kids get drunk, screw and fight.
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew – Same as The Real World, but these people were all once pseudo-celebrities that are older and uglier.
Intervention – A very depressing show about fucked up addicts, the fucked up family that raised them, who are now trying to fix it with cameras rolling. Intelligence eludes them.
The Real Housewives – A bunch of rich, spoiled, fake and plastic women with big breasts that can’t let go of the fact that they had the best prom dress 27 years before.
Survivor – Strangers go to a remote location, do idiotic activities called challenges, lose a bunch of weight, then stab each other in the back.
Ice Road Truckers – Truckers drive their trucks, on an ice road.  Sometimes they break down (the trucks and the truckers).  It’s fascinating.
American Idol – People that can’t sing and never could are fooled by their friends into thinking they can.  They get embarrassed and cry.
America’s Next Top Model – Emaciated girls try to avoid food and general nutrition while Tyra Banks boasts about how amazing she is.
The Bachelor – Some dude somehow gets to make out with 25 hot girls, it’s televised, and no one gets mad at him.
The Biggest Loser – Similar to America’s Next Top Model, but the contestants ate Tyra Banks.
America’s Got Talent – Bad grammar in the title, and the talent isn’t any gooder.
Wife Swap – Two married men show a complete stranger what an asshole he is married to.
The Simple Life – Two very rich, clueless and elitist heiresses live among commoners, and make their parents contemplate disowning them for simple stupidity.
The Apprentice – A very rich man gets to belittle and abuse potential employees in various ways… legally.
Big Brother – Much like The Real World, but they aren’t allowed to leave the house, nothing ever happens.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 – Two morons with eight children do anything they can to exploit said children, then act like bigger morons when the cameras aren’t taping them.
Dancing With The Stars – “Stars” in the title is debatable. It’s dancing with bad commentary and puns.
American Chopper – They build some bitchin’ bikes and fight the way most families wish they could.
Jersey Shore – Yes, another The Real World ripoff.  This time they stock the house with those that fail IQ tests.
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition – I think it’s the only show that has an ounce of sincerity. Granted most of the recipients of the new house foreclose within a year, but that’s beside the point. Feel good and cry, then turn off the TV.
The Hills – Yeah, it’s umm, like The Real World, but filled with attractive and extremely shallow people. Actually it’s scripted, too. Nothing based on reality here.
Top Chef – They cook.
Hogan Knows Best – It was Hulk Hogan, it was worth watching if you could get past his family, and Hulk Hogan.
Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica – Jessica Simpson proved to the world that she’s dumb as a box of recycled paper, and Nick proved that even with a wife as hot as Jessica, he’d rather cheat than talk to her the rest of his life.
Miami Ink – They tattoo people, in a tattoo parlor, and talk about tattoos.
The Surreal Life – More washed up pseudo-celebrities live together and easily show why they are washed up.
The Osbournes – The show that emasculated the frontman from Black Sabbath while also raising his stock on death pools everywhere.
Rock of Love – It’s The Bachelor, but the bachelor is a rocker, and the women are sluts.
Shear Genius – The exciting and emotional world… of cutting hair.
Flavor Of Love – Flavor Flav and a pack of beasts look for love in horrific displays of affection.
The Bad Girls Club – It’s the prequel for The Real Housewives, but the girls aren’t hot and they think they are.
Hell’s Kitchen – It’s Top Chef, but the host is an asshole.
Deadliest Catch – They fish for crabs in situations that make me extremely glad to work in computers.
Little People, Big World – A family of little people. Exploitation or not, they’re midgets!
The Amazing Race – Teams race around the world and we get to watch them stress out and hate each other.
Cathouse – A camera inside a brothel. Hello? This quickly ruins any fantasy you ever had about brothels.
Sunset Tan – The exciting, riveting and heart-wrenching world of a tanning salon.
Pitchmen – The behind the scenes life of two famous TV sales guys, until one of them croaks.  Too soon?
America’s Most Smartest Model – I must stress that I did not make this up, or the title. It exists. Look it up.
Say Yes To The Dress – Wedding gown shopping. Are there really that many women out there that would watch a show on this? I’ve always heard it’s one of the most stressful parts of the wedding for a woman… why watch this??
Supernanny – A British woman enters a home and disciplines bad children, legally. Actually, the parents should be the ones disciplined.
Toddlers & Tiaras – Jon and Kate have nothing on these horrific parents.
Hoarders – Pretty much like Intervention, although the drug of choice is a houseful of junk.
30 Days – It’s witness relocation without committing a crime first.
Cake Boss – A bakery?  Hell, they did it for a tanning salon, a barber and a tattoo parlor, why the fuck not?
Dr. 90210 – Plastic surgery reality. Most of the above shows already covered this one.
Hammertime – MC Hammer, but no big pants.
Bridezillas – Uber bitch potential brides. The groom should watch before saying “I do.”

There are so many more.  A completely obnoxious amount more. But I don’t want to continue on, as my brain hurts.  I now must go read something by Stephen Hawking to assure myself that we as a society are not going to be overthrown by lemurs soon.

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I love beer. I’ve brewed my own and drank lots of it. Over the past ten years, I’ve become an obnoxious beer snob. I can’t help but smirk and chuckle as some poor soul bellies up to the bar, only to order a Girl Lite or Miller Lame. Hell, I can drink Sam Adams and piss Budweiser. I understand the purpose of that mass produced garbage, pleasant bubbles and alcohol without all that pesky flavor to get in the way. How else could Joey from Staten Island, with his blown out haircut and white capri pants, get Gina, also from Staten Island, wasted enough to blow him on the closest beach to Club XS in Seaside without it? By hinting that he has friends in the mob? Yeah, if by “mob” you mean the group of orange skinned from fake tanning, lip gloss wearing, douche bags he hangs out with. By showing her his low end BMW that mommy and daddy bought him? Doubtful. CHEAP TASTELESS BEER. That’s his only chance of not going home alone to jerk off while watching “Growing Up Gotti” and looking at himself in the mirror. Now don’t get me wrong, I have consumed mass quantities of that cheap swill, but that was when I was young and broke and the whole purpose was to get my self as FUBAR as possible for the least amount of money. I’ll never forget the excitement that Chuck and I felt the day we found a liquor store in Dewey Beach, Delaware that was selling cases of Coors Light for $9.99 when all of our friends thought that the cheapest around was selling them for $16. hehe. We drank that whole night for two bucks a piece. Remember that Chuckie? I believe that was the same night that our one gay friend came home and exclaimed that he got laid and we spent an hour trying to figure out exactly what that meant. EWWWW. Another friend strolled drunkenly through the room where we were passed out at 5 am dragging his mattress out to the balcony because he pissed himself. Nice. Happened often with that guy. Started drinking at 7, passed out drooling in a corner by 10, and 7 out of 10 times, he ruined a mattress. Good times, man GOOD TIMES. Sorry, I’m digressing like a mother fucker.

Anyway, that all ended for me when I met my wife. She had a taste for Sam Adams and I can thank her for showing me the joys of quality beer, among other things (wink wink). My eyes were opened and there was no turning back. When we were dating we used to go to a bar called The Ark. They had a program called the 40/40 club. The deal was that you had to drink 40 domestic and 40 imported beers over the course of a lifetime and you got a free shirt and a mug to hang on the wall that got you reduced price drafts for life. I know a guy who completed the challenge for a second time in only 3 DAYS.  He MAY have had a drinking problem.  I drank my first Guinness there nervously, but now, if it’s on tap, it’s mine. It just doesn’t get any better than Guinness Extra Stout on draft. I could drink six or seven and skip a meal. What’s a seven course dinner in Ireland? Six pints of Guinness and a baked potato.

A couple of years ago, my cousin gave me the greatest gift, a Mr. Beer. I began brewing my own beer in the kitchen. I fell victim to home brewer’s snobbery myself when I dared go into a homebrew shop to buy bottle caps and mention that I used a Mr. Beer. Hippie guy with dreads reeking of patchouli and weed laughed out loud at me. Prick. He should be kissing my ass because I’m the guy that’s eventually going to upgrade to a fancy system. Die in a fire, douche bag. I MAY have anger issues. Again, I digress. I entered the world of the microbrew and would go to the liquor store to seek out new and interesting brews. Vacations turned into quests for the local brewpub. I made it a point to sample what the local brew masters had to offer. Most of the time, it worked out. But once in a while, you end up with something that tastes like it was filtered through a homeless person’s underwear. Not often, but sometimes.

So do yourself a favor. The next time you are in a bar or liquor store, try a microbrew, order a stout, go for the bottle with the name you’ve never heard of. And don’t just chug it, drink it, smell it, savor it. Who knows, you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy the flavor and not just the buzz. Let me know what you’ve discovered, I’d love to hear about it.

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