Posts Tagged family

The Cheese Touch

Last night at dinner my boys, aged 7 and 9, started doing something called “The Cheese Touch”. With fingers crossed, they would poke each other in the chest or shoulder and say “CHEESE TOUCH” and then laugh uncontrollably. Then the other one would do the same thing back and the process would repeat itself. Being the typical un-hip, out of touch Dad that I am, I inquired as to what the hell was going on. They informed me that if you get hit with the cheese touch, you immediately smell like stinky feet cheese and will continue to do so until you pass the cheese along to another person. The only way to block the cheese touch is to resort to the usual, “UH UH, my fingers were crossed” defense, thus nullifying the odoriferous attack. Interesting. I was forced to improvise other ways to defend myself and since I was half in the bag on cheap chardonnay at the time, I came up with “Wine Thumbs”, whereas a new counter attack could be unleashed by touching the attacker on the head with both thumbs. The boys were stunned and didn’t know how to counter the deadly, dizziness inducing, and newly invented counter-offensive. I then completely breached protocol and hit the two of them with “Cracker Elbows”. Yep, Cracker Elbows. This is where I would touch both of my elbows simultaneously to their temples and they would be immediately rendered immobile. At least that was my plan. The older one looked at the younger one and together they reaffirmed that dad was a bozo and resumed their fun without me. This silly game eventually evolved into what they called a “sissy fight” where they would slap each other and then into a full out, good-natured brawl on the kitchen floor. Eventually they returned to the table and finished dinner but not before a vein stood out in my forehead and I had a moment to think back to some childhood silliness that I engaged in.

Cooties – I remember running from girls on the playground because they had cooties. Although I felt justified at the time, I realize now that what they had was not called “COOTIES” but “COOTERS” and that I want to get them ALL THE TIME.  If only I had known.

Kill the man with the ball – This was also known as “Smear the Queer” and probably the dumbest game ever invented. The guy holding the ball gets the shit kicked out of him until he drops the ball or begins to spit blood. My friends and I would play almost daily in the summer on my front lawn and it was in one of these scrums that my buddy got his nickname, Johnny Whimper.

Blind Darts – We would lay a dartboard on the floor and stand at the bottom of the stairs and blindly toss darts up the stairs and try to hit the dart board. What makes this more stupid was that we positioned the board in such a way that you couldn’t see it from the bottom of the stairs and only the thrower was at the bottom. Everyone else stood around the board. Brilliant, huh?

Red Light / Green Light – I once ended up in the ER after a fast and furious game getting stitches in my chin. That’s right, the fat kid tripped running up the porch and cracked his face on the top step. Go ahead and laugh, I’m used to it.

Can’t wait to head home and see what the kids have in store for me tonight. Maybe it will be “chase your little sister with a booger” or my personal fave, “shit, close the lid and don’t flush”. Late!

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Psycho Circus

clownRecently, I loaded up the family truckster and took my wife and 5 kids, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their 3 kids, my parents and my wife’s parents, to see the Greatest Show on Earth. We actually brought our own circus to the circus. The show was great, with only a few detractors. In front of us sat your typical Jersey woman, big hair that’s a color not found in nature, bigger mouth and dressed way too young for her age. No offense to those of you out there who happen to fit this description, but there comes a time in every person’s life when you have to stop wearing pants that come with a free bikini wax. I saw her ass crack every time she leaned forward. I considered sticking a quarter in it to see if a gumball would come flying out of her mouth. Probably would have been a Newport menthol instead. To my right sat a very ugly, middle aged woman with a bunch of ugly kids that probably licked bus windows on the way to school. Ms. Asscrack stood up at one point to try to take a picture of her kids, all of whom were staring in the other direction at the clowns. Go figure. Ugly lady got pissed off because Gina dared to block her view of the guy shoveling up the elephant shit for more that 3 seconds and proceeded to launch into a verbal tirade that would make Christian Bale blush. “Sit your ass down, bitch, I can’t see the dung.” Not to be outdone, Peg Bundy turns to her and says “I’m skinny, look around me bitch. God forbid I stand up for 5 seconds.” It was more like a minute and the elephant was looking like he was going to piss gallons, and who wouldn’t want to see that? Fugly starts screaming, and offers to “go outside to finish this.” Classy. I guess I’ll watch their kids while they roll around in the gutter on Hamilton Avenue.

So things settle down and I proceed to spend the next two hours watching the show with Gina’s rat’s nest hair resting on my knee, waiting, and quietly hoping that Fug would start throwing haymakers. I’m probably going to get a rash from all of the Aquanet. I smiled every time my ten month old daughter pulled her hair. A couple times I did it myself and blamed it on the girl. Yes, it’s juvenile, but nothing was better than pulling hard on Trigger’s mane only to have her turn around and smile at me and my daughter. Hmmm, I wonder what else I can get away with while holding a chubby goober? Free popcorn? Doubtful, they charge $7 for a box. It’s almost like extortion. The lemonade was $9, but hey, it came in a souvenir cup shaped like an elephant. Thanks, Mr. Guatemalan concession guy for waving that in the face of my six year old with ADHD as we were trying to leave when the show was over! The meltdown that ensued wasn’t pretty. The headcount in my house was nearly reduced by one, but luckily the wife stepped in before I gave him to the nearest family with a vehicle big enough to take him home. I love that kid, and after he calmed down we talked, and he made it back into the family. I don’t think he really got my point about how overly priced it was, but he smiled at me with his missing teeth and all was right in the world.

At the end of the day, a good time was had by all. Can’t wait for next year.

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