clownRecently, I loaded up the family truckster and took my wife and 5 kids, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their 3 kids, my parents and my wife’s parents, to see the Greatest Show on Earth. We actually brought our own circus to the circus. The show was great, with only a few detractors. In front of us sat your typical Jersey woman, big hair that’s a color not found in nature, bigger mouth and dressed way too young for her age. No offense to those of you out there who happen to fit this description, but there comes a time in every person’s life when you have to stop wearing pants that come with a free bikini wax. I saw her ass crack every time she leaned forward. I considered sticking a quarter in it to see if a gumball would come flying out of her mouth. Probably would have been a Newport menthol instead. To my right sat a very ugly, middle aged woman with a bunch of ugly kids that probably licked bus windows on the way to school. Ms. Asscrack stood up at one point to try to take a picture of her kids, all of whom were staring in the other direction at the clowns. Go figure. Ugly lady got pissed off because Gina dared to block her view of the guy shoveling up the elephant shit for more that 3 seconds and proceeded to launch into a verbal tirade that would make Christian Bale blush. “Sit your ass down, bitch, I can’t see the dung.” Not to be outdone, Peg Bundy turns to her and says “I’m skinny, look around me bitch. God forbid I stand up for 5 seconds.” It was more like a minute and the elephant was looking like he was going to piss gallons, and who wouldn’t want to see that? Fugly starts screaming, and offers to “go outside to finish this.” Classy. I guess I’ll watch their kids while they roll around in the gutter on Hamilton Avenue.

So things settle down and I proceed to spend the next two hours watching the show with Gina’s rat’s nest hair resting on my knee, waiting, and quietly hoping that Fug would start throwing haymakers. I’m probably going to get a rash from all of the Aquanet. I smiled every time my ten month old daughter pulled her hair. A couple times I did it myself and blamed it on the girl. Yes, it’s juvenile, but nothing was better than pulling hard on Trigger’s mane only to have her turn around and smile at me and my daughter. Hmmm, I wonder what else I can get away with while holding a chubby goober? Free popcorn? Doubtful, they charge $7 for a box. It’s almost like extortion. The lemonade was $9, but hey, it came in a souvenir cup shaped like an elephant. Thanks, Mr. Guatemalan concession guy for waving that in the face of my six year old with ADHD as we were trying to leave when the show was over! The meltdown that ensued wasn’t pretty. The headcount in my house was nearly reduced by one, but luckily the wife stepped in before I gave him to the nearest family with a vehicle big enough to take him home. I love that kid, and after he calmed down we talked, and he made it back into the family. I don’t think he really got my point about how overly priced it was, but he smiled at me with his missing teeth and all was right in the world.

At the end of the day, a good time was had by all. Can’t wait for next year.

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