If you’ve read my bio, you’ll know that I have 5 kids. No, I’m not Mormon or an orthodox Jew. Yes, I know what causes that to happen. My wife just wanted a big family and it’s not my fault that she digs my flava. Don’t be hatin’. I will admit that it’s a bit foreign to me, being an only child and all. I was really concerned for my father, also an only child, when we told him that we were going to have our second. The look on his face told me that he thought we were completely insane and I’m not so sure that he was wrong. Anyone know a good doc to give a vasectomy? A bad one? I don’t care at this point. Maybe a hooker with a heart of gold who would be willing to kick me in the peaches? I digress.
It seems that almost every day, one of my kids says something that makes my wife and I laugh out loud. They are so cute, and saying something completely innocent, but it will cause us to have to leave the room. I thought I’d share a few.
“YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?!”
Said by a 4 year old to me while he was misbehaving at Target. Couldn’t discipline him after that one. The wife and I laughed for an hour.
“Mommy, your milkers are showing”
Stated very loudly by my oldest, then age 3, while he was in a dressing room with the wife as she was trying on bathing suits in the Motherhood store in the mall. The wife could hear people chuckling outside the door. Side note, I love those milkers.
“LOOK OUT!! HERE COMES BIG MOMMY”
Exclaimed by my son as my wife, very pregnant with twins, hobbled through the room. I lost it. Big Mommy was trying to hit me for laughing so hard but I ran into our laundry room and she got stuck in the doorway. I distracted her with some Godiva chocolate and was able to escape with my testicles intact.
“I really have to work on my tan if I’m going to be the next Tiger Woods”
Statement by my 9 y/o when deciding his future. Laughed out loud on this one.
“Dad, can you get me a notebook, so I can write things down and have a little diarrhea?”
I almost spit my coffee all over the dash.
“What are those little beans in there?”
4 y/o son made a great discovery in the tub one day. Hasn’t taken his hand off of that area since. It’s like he’s pulling taffy.
“Peepee too pointy”
During a diaper change, Daddy was proud. Wonder what was on the TV for that to happen?
“Oh, HORSE LIPS!!”
From a very frustrated little boy
“Dad’s just upset because of that thing that’s bullshit”
My 9 y/o said that to me this past Sunday. Wife was not amused. I was extremely amused
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play…
“pea nickels on my spout”
“Mommy, when will I get push ups like you have”
My oldest daughter checking out my wife’s fun bags. Hopefully she never will. I shudder to think of all the ogling dirtbags like me.
“If dad was in Star Wars, he would be Boba Fatt”
Funny. If he was in Star Wars, he would be Luke Nosepicker.
“Dad, I crapped my pants”
Self explanatory. I already knew because I saw the turd fall from his pant leg. We’re not welcome at that Wendy’s anymore.
“It’s all crap!”
Frustrated 5 year old boy because I told him to do his homework.
“I’m not new to this, I’m true to this.”
From my 4 y/o daughter last week while being praised for helping Mommy.
There are others but I can’t seem to remember any of them right now. Too many whip-its killed too many brain cells. Please post some of your own!!
Recently, I loaded up the family truckster and took my wife and 5 kids, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their 3 kids, my parents and my wife’s parents, to see the Greatest Show on Earth. We actually brought our own circus to the circus. The show was great, with only a few detractors. In front of us sat your typical Jersey woman, big hair that’s a color not found in nature, bigger mouth and dressed way too young for her age. No offense to those of you out there who happen to fit this description, but there comes a time in every person’s life when you have to stop wearing pants that come with a free bikini wax. I saw her ass crack every time she leaned forward. I considered sticking a quarter in it to see if a gumball would come flying out of her mouth. Probably would have been a Newport menthol instead. To my right sat a very ugly, middle aged woman with a bunch of ugly kids that probably licked bus windows on the way to school. Ms. Asscrack stood up at one point to try to take a picture of her kids, all of whom were staring in the other direction at the clowns. Go figure. Ugly lady got pissed off because Gina dared to block her view of the guy shoveling up the elephant shit for more that 3 seconds and proceeded to launch into a verbal tirade that would make Christian Bale blush. “Sit your ass down, bitch, I can’t see the dung.” Not to be outdone, Peg Bundy turns to her and says “I’m skinny, look around me bitch. God forbid I stand up for 5 seconds.” It was more like a minute and the elephant was looking like he was going to piss gallons, and who wouldn’t want to see that? Fugly starts screaming, and offers to “go outside to finish this.” Classy. I guess I’ll watch their kids while they roll around in the gutter on Hamilton Avenue.