I’ve compiled a list of reasons why we don’t have kids. Here they are:

  1. Kids are money-leeching, whiny little germ factories. Ask any parent.
  2. So I can keep having sex, smoking cigars, drinking, and swearing. I am sure my life will be shorter, but alas, I will fortunately miss out on those miserable last 10 or so years of life where every bathroom visit starts with, “Ohhh, it hurts to pee”.
  3. We love sleeping in on the weekends, or sleeping in, in general. Enough said.
  4. Money. Cruise last year? Paid for in cash. Trip to Europe this year? Cash. Monthly supply of booze and cigars? Cash.
  5. For the Environment. Lifetime energy use per American over is 20,000 kJ. I have no fucking idea how much that is, but I’m sure it’s a lot. The average American will use 32 gallons of water a day, 5 pounds of food per day, and 1,025 gallons of oil per year (sources available on request). This means I can still do good for the environment all while buying an SUV and selling baby seal pelts out of the back seat.
  6. So I can keep gaming. Still looking for a good MMO that isn’t just like every other damn MMO ever made.
  7. So I am not tempted to put my kid on the phone. Parents, please don’t have your kids answer the god damn phone. Although you understand them just fine, and I’m sure they’re making progress with their language acquisition, no one else understands what the fuck they are saying at age 4, nor does anyone else care. Even worse is when you tell them what to say because you think it’s cute. Besides, I called to talk to you, not to that drunken midget of yours you call a child.
  8. We don’t have to be the people who bring the crying kid on the plane. I am a firm supporter of child sedation for travel, by the way.
  9. Because we like to have nice things. Cigar Humidor? Spotless. And, have you ever taken a look at the inside of a parent’s car? I cringe at the thought.
  10. So I don’t have to teach them “responsibility”, or whatever.
  11. Not needing to have a gun collection to show off to my daughter’s potential dates. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.

I’d like to hear if anyone else has good reasons why they don’t have kids. Put them in the comments below.