From the Mouths of Babes

If you’ve read my bio, you’ll know that I have 5 kids. No, I’m not Mormon or an orthodox Jew. Yes, I know what causes that to happen. My wife just wanted a big family and it’s not my fault that she digs my flava. Don’t be hatin’. I will admit that it’s a bit foreign to me, being an only child and all. I was really concerned for my father, also an only child, when we told him that we were going to have our second. The look on his face told me that he thought we were completely insane and I’m not so sure that he was wrong. Anyone know a good doc to give a vasectomy? A bad one? I don’t care at this point. Maybe a hooker with a heart of gold who would be willing to kick me in the peaches? I digress.

It seems that almost every day, one of my kids says something that makes my wife and I laugh out loud. They are so cute, and saying something completely innocent, but it will cause us to have to leave the room. I thought I’d share a few.

Said by a 4 year old to me while he was misbehaving at Target. Couldn’t discipline him after that one. The wife and I laughed for an hour.

“Mommy, your milkers are showing”
Stated very loudly by my oldest, then age 3, while he was in a dressing room with the wife as she was trying on bathing suits in the Motherhood store in the mall.  The wife could hear people chuckling outside the door. Side note, I love those milkers.

Exclaimed by my son as my wife, very pregnant with twins, hobbled through the room. I lost it. Big Mommy was trying to hit me for laughing so hard but I ran into our laundry room and she got stuck in the doorway. I distracted her with some Godiva chocolate and was able to escape with my testicles intact.

“I really have to work on my tan if I’m going to be the next Tiger Woods”
Statement by my 9 y/o when deciding his future. Laughed out loud on this one.

“Dad, can you get me a notebook, so I can write things down and have a little diarrhea?”
I almost spit my coffee all over the dash.

“What are those little beans in there?”
4 y/o son made a great discovery in the tub one day. Hasn’t taken his hand off of that area since. It’s like he’s pulling taffy.

“Peepee too pointy”
During a diaper change, Daddy was proud. Wonder what was on the TV for that to happen?

From a very frustrated little boy

“Dad’s just upset because of that thing that’s bullshit”
My 9 y/o said that to me this past Sunday. Wife was not amused. I was extremely amused

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play…
“pea nickels on my spout”

“Mommy, when will I get push ups like you have”
My oldest daughter checking out my wife’s fun bags. Hopefully she never will. I shudder to think of all the ogling dirtbags like me.

“If dad was in Star Wars, he would be Boba Fatt”
Funny. If he was in Star Wars, he would be Luke Nosepicker.

“Dad, I crapped my pants”
Self explanatory. I already knew because I saw the turd fall from his pant leg. We’re not welcome at that Wendy’s anymore.

“It’s all crap!”
Frustrated 5 year old boy because I told him to do his homework.

“I’m not new to this, I’m true to this.”
From my 4 y/o daughter last week while being praised for helping Mommy.

There are others but I can’t seem to remember any of them right now. Too many whip-its killed too many brain cells. Please post some of your own!!


  1. OMG – this was hysterical!! “Oh Horse Lips” is going to be my new catchphrase!

  2. Had a new one the other night – Mr B says “We saw twins at the park, one was female and the other was E-MAIL” LOL he’s funny

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